It seems authors often get asked the same questions from one interview to the next. Not always, but a lot. It was time, I decided, for a new approach. So, this interview is designed to break out of the mold. On each of these questions, there is simply no right answer. Let’s see just how creative these creative minds are! It’s all in fun, of course. Today please welcome author, Benjamin Wallace, to the hot seat of interrogation.
1. Why doesn’t your name end in an “s”? It sounds like it should.
It does, in fact, end in an “s” but it is the invisible “s” that you’ll also find at the end of garrote, Mississippi and spaces.
2. An Oregon native and the 12th elected president of the United States, Benjamin Franklin is known for saying “a stitch in time saves nine”. First of all, do you agree with the previous statement? Secondly, what was he talking about? Nine dollars? Nine baseball players? Please explain.
Such lies! Franklin was our 15th president and hailed from the state of Jefferson. Many believe Franklin was talking about sewing rent seams before they grew worse. Far fewer know that Franklin was really talking about stitching time itself as he and Nikolai Tesla were/are the guardians of the fabric of space time (thus the misconception). They eventually found there efforts to be useless however and retired to one moment ahead of the time stream. This is why he said, “a stitch in time saves nein.” History has just run with a typo to throw people off. Or has it?
3. Because of the name, we have to ask. Are you related to Benjamin Franklin? Why or why not?
Yes. I am his uncle. Why? Because, his Aunt was hot.
4. Do you deny that heads don’t really roll very well? Expound on your answer.
I do not deny it. I also do not believe it and I think my head-bowling score speaks for itself.
5. What really puts the "ape" in apricot? (Please don’t say courage, for we all know that’s a distortion of the facts.)
Courage. And I’ll have words with any man that says otherwise.
6. What’s the 10th sentence on page 45 of your novel, Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors? If it’s really short, please include the next sentence as well.
A bark of agreement set the dog on all fours, ready to greet new people and smell new things.
7. You have written a pilgrim story entitled “Spit of the Demon”. Are we to conclude that you find spitting by demons to be socially acceptable? Defend your position on demon spitting.
How could one defend that? It is completely unacceptable. The spit in question, however, is actually a roasting spit. In Native American folklore the demon Atosis was believed to capture people and force them to choose a spit from the woods. The victim would then be impaled on the spit and roasted. This I’m fine with. But, demon-spitting? Gross.
8. Do you think it was appropriate to sell your great-aunt’s faded bloomers to Stephen King? How much did he pay for them? Was it worth the disgrace to your family?
The truth is they were worth more to him than they were to me. And since they served as inspiration for The Shining, I think the world is better off this way. I do not regret my decision.
9. You are running late for an important meeting or appointment. When you reach your vehicle you discover a Bactrian camel inside, rifling through your personal registration and insurance documents. How do you handle the situation? And what was so important about your meeting?
I scold the camel and ensure that my identity is safe as camels are notorious identity thieves which is why so much spam comes from Nigeria.
Ironically, the meeting I was late for had nothing to do with camel security or anti-camel legislation.
10. Chuck Norris enters your room uninvited as you are editing and begins to offer unsolicited advice on your writing. How do you handle this awkward encounter?
Look, I know that most people would gladly take his advice, but Chuck Norris has been getting away with a lot lately. No one can take away from him what he has done for beards, but he’s the only person that doesn’t have to do anything for a Klondike bar, his tears cure cancer, but he selfishly never cries - it’s time someone put him in his place so, well yeah, I’d probably just take his advice.
Besides, it’s my understanding that Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He just stares at them until they tell him what he wants to know.
11. Is Michael Shestov impressed with your accomplishments? If not, why not? If so, why did he neglect to invite you to his last Tupperware party?
He is. He still mocks my typing speed by making the hunt and peck gestures, but we’re good. He actually did invite me but there was a scheduling conflict with a Pampered Chef get-together.
12. Have you ever successfully used the word “onus”? Has anyone?
Myself? Never. But Benjamin Franklin
has. In the year 3296.
12. Do you realize this question is numbered inaccurately? What do you make of that?
I can make a hat, a broach, a pterodactyl...
12. You wake up in a Mary Higgins Clark novel. What are you doing there? Be specific please.
Panicking. I don’t know how I got here and the pages are closing in. It also doesn’t help that I was placed so close to a colon.
Benjamin Wallace was born so awesome in Carleton Place, Ontario that they placed his baby picture on the front page of both town newspapers.
After that, he wrote books. He hopes you
An honest look at what it's like to be a dad and how much crap you're really going to get on you.
Amazon purchase link
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