It seems authors often get asked the same questions from one interview to the next. Not always, but a lot. It was time, I decided, for a new approach. So, this interview is designed to break out of the mold. On each of these questions, there is simply no right answer. Let’s see just how creative these creative minds are! It’s all in fun, of course. Today, please welcome author, Duncan Whitehead. He soldiers through the ludicrous questions with remarkable aplomb and wit!

1. If Stephen King and Chuck Norris wrote a book together what would the title be? What would it be about? Would you read it?
Carrie - Texas Ranger.  It would be about a cross-dressing Texas Ranger with a talking car, like Kit from Knightrider. The car would become possessed and Carrie, who looks a lot like Chuck, would drive Carrie to a haunted hotel, where it would be stolen by terrorists.  No, I would not read this book.  Neither should anybody else.

 2. When you finished your book, how many people were washing their hair in your state at that very moment?
All of them! 

3. What is the real significance of the following phrase? A tip for customers considering red flippers. (be specific please)
It is a sales pitch for dictators and evil men hell bent on taking over the world - red flippers are the detonator switches for nuclear missiles, as seen in James Bond movies.  They outsell the pink ones 10 to one.

4. Do you deny that heads don’t really roll very well? Expound on your answer.
I do deny this.  Just last week, my boss told me that unless I stopped doing silly interviews "heads will roll", earlier this morning he removed the head of his Barbie Doll during a "hissy" fit and rolled it to my feet, then stamped his feet and stormed out of the office.

5. I just painted my foundation for a very specific reason. Why did I do this?
You recently buried some bodies there. (This is incorrect but after reading about the self-defense expertise in your bio, I believe I’ll just nod and smile. -k)

6. What’s the sixth sentence on page 4 of your book? If it’s really short, please include the next sentence as well.
"Carrie - Texas Ranger knew it would only be a matter of time before somebody once again told him he resembled Chuck Norris.....what with his car being possessed and all, he really didn't need more drama in his life."  

7. It has been postulated that many people lack an adequate amount of radishes in their diet. What is your position on this controversial question?
As a radish farmer I believe that radishes, when deep fried and coated in batter, are not only healthy and provide nutritional balance, but make a great snack while watching Chuck Norris movies. 

 8. There are 23 pages in the current issue of our local buyer’s guide. What impact will this have on your lawn mower maintenance decisions? Explain your reasoning and how this concept is intricately related to your writing.
Good question. The impact of your local buyer's guide has forced a rethink of my decision to purchase a comb and scissor set to trim my lawn. This concept has now saved me a vast amount of time and energy which means I now have more time to devote to my writing.

9. You are running late for an important meeting or appointment. When you reach your vehicle, you discover a moderately large sloth inside, listening to your stereo. How do you handle the situation? And what was so important about your meeting?
First of all, I was actually headed to the vet’s office, as my large pet sloth had been complaining about hearing problems, so it was quite appropriate he was already in my vehicle. I handle this situation by informing him that the volume needn't be so loud on the stereo as the problem, as stated, is with his hearing.

10. Dracula materializes in your room as you are writing and begins to annoy you. How do you handle this unwelcome interruption?
This has happened to me actually. I ignored him, initially, then after a while I set my large, hard of hearing, sloth onto him.

 11. Use the following words in a sentence: April, lofty, blisters, document, camera, and bubbled.
Last April, Tim, a lofty lad with blisters on the palms of his hand, delivered me a document.  Perplexed by his puss filled hands, but also somewhat morbidly curious I grabbed my camera and photographed his sores, just as they bubbled and burst. 

12. When writing a serious book review, how critical is it to include information about your extended family and their peculiarities?  How about details about your home appliances?
It depends.  If you are talking about Aunt Jennifer and her love affair with her dishwasher, Clive, then not really.  However if you are referring to my cousin David and his bizarre fascination with my blender then yes, very critical.

12. Do you realize this question is numbered inaccurately? What do you make of that?
Yes I did. I make it a dozen. 

12. This one too. Please fill in the blanks: When I was ___________ my neighbor, a large ________________ approached us with _________________ and _________________ to ________________ the situation.

When I was 8 my neighbor, a large woman, approached us with stealth and proceeded to inflame the situation.

 

Author bio:

Duncan was born in England in 1967.  After a successful career in the military where he served in British Embassies throughout South America and saw service in the Gulf War, he joined the world of super yachts as a Purser onboard some of the world’s largest private vessels, working for many high profile individuals, being fortunate enough to visit some of the world’s most luxurious and exotic places. Eventually retiring to Savannah, Georgia, he began to partake of his greatest passion, writing.  Initially writing short stories, he finally put pen to paper and wrote The Gordonston Ladies Dog Walking Club, inspired by the quirky characters and eeriness of his new environment, the book, a thriller, which boasts an assortment of characters and plot twists, set in the leafy neighborhood where he lived. His passion for comedy saw submissions to “The Onion” and a stint performing as a stand- up comedian. He is a former boxer, representing the Royal Navy and an English under 19 team as an amateur and is a qualified teacher of English as a foreign language as well as a former accomplished children’s soccer coach.

In 2011 Duncan returned to South America, spending six months in Brazil and a few months in Paraguay before traveling to the Middle-East and Europe before returning to the United States to settle in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  He is fluent in Spanish and Portuguese and lists his hobbies and passions as cooking, the Israeli self defense art of Krav Maga and the pressure point martial art Dim-Mak. Duncan has written over 2,000 spoof and comedy news articles, under various aliases, for an assortment of  web sites both in the US and UK. As well as his other activities he performs volunteer work as a hospice volunteer visitor and teaches English to refugees arriving in South Florida. He has penned a further novel; a comedy set in Manhattan, The Reluctant Jesus, and is working on the script for a potential sit-com. Duncan has one daughter, Keira, and lives alone. Connect with Duncan on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheGordonstonLadiesDogWalkingClub


 

THE GORDONSTON LADIES DOG WALKING CLUB by Duncan Whitehead

Something is not quite right in the leafy Savannah neighborhood of Gordonston. As the friends and fellow members of her afternoon cocktail club gather to mourn the death and lament the life of their friend and neighbor Thelma Miller, not all is what it seems.  As old friends vie for the attention of widower, Alderman and mayoral candidate Elliott, jealousies surface and friendships are strained. An old woman with a dark secret and an infamous Uncle plots her revenge for a perceived wrong done over thirty years before, a once successful children’s writer with his own secret is haunted by memories of his past and aspiring model Kelly Hudd has just won the trip of a lifetime.
As secrets are revealed and history, both old and recent, unravel and an intertwined web of deceits and lies surfaces in the middle class neighborhood a killer lurks and is anyone really who they seem to be? A mysterious European gentleman in South America, a young Italian Count parading the streets of Paris and a charitable and kind hearted nephew, recently arrived from India, add to the remarkable assortment characters of this story of intrigue, deceit and revenge.  What is the secret a recently retired accountant and new Father is trying to hide from his young wife and just why did the former showgirl and attractive sixty two year old widow Carla Zipp really have plastic surgery? As the plot thickens and the Georgia summer temperature rises, we discover who is destined for an early-unmarked grave in the wooded park that centers the tree-lined avenues of Gordonston. A mysterious organization with links to organized crime, a handsome fire fighter who can do no wrong and a trio of widows with deep hidden agendas compound a story of simplistic complexity. As twists and turns lead the reader to a conclusion that they will not see coming and a sucker punch ending that will leave readers breathless, the Gordonston Ladies Dog Walking Club’s top priority still remains the need to chastise  the culprit who refuses to ‘scoop’ after his dog walking sessions in their treasured park.