It seems authors often get asked the same questions from one interview to the next. Not always, but a lot. It was time, I decided, for a new approach. So, this interview is designed to break out of the mold. On each of these questions, there is simply no right answer. Let’s see just how creative these creative minds are! It’s all in fun, of course. -Karen

In this interview, I have subjected talented author RJ Palmer to a ludicrous but penetrating interrogation. Here are her answers:

1. The last time you spoke to Stephen King, is it true you lectured him about using sentence fragments? How did he respond to this reprimand? Did he cry? Come on, you can tell us. He’ll never read this.

But I want him to!  Read this, that is.  Sentence fragments are NEVER okay.  Just aren’t right.  He didn’t cry but I now think I’m a character in his next novel that will die a horrific and brutal death.  Ah, sweet revenge.  I get to die in a Stephen King novel, WOOGIE!

2. Fill in the blanks in the following sentence: There was a ________ on my mind when I ______________ under the blue __________, and this prevented me from ____________ as expected.

There was a yellow daisy on my mind when I drove my red convertible under the blue surface of the ocean floor, and this prevented me from playing football as expected.

…Sorry, I drew a complete blank here and now my red convertible won’t start.  I can’t figure out why.

3. What is the real significance of the following phrase and how does it relate to Argon the Psychic Destroyer? “Cranberry has been known to have health benefits.” (be specific please)

Of course it does because you see, cranberry prevents urinary tract infections and if you’re trying to fight the infamous Argon the Psychic Destroyer while suffering from UTI and you gotta pee every three minutes, your defensive strategy is gonna suck.  You’ll end up a blithering idiot with a peeing problem.

4. 19 cans of paint in my garage?

Do they match your shoes?  Are they TOTALLY on your color wheel?  Are any of them purple with neon green polka dots and if so, can I help paint the outside of your windows?  I just want to see a paint that would go on purple with neon green polka dots in one swipe because that would just be cool.

5. Do you deny making outlandish faces into the security camera during your last visit to the bank? Were you remorseful afterward? If not, why not?

Yes, I don’t deny it.  I almost felt bad about it for a moment and then I heard what sounded like the world’s WORST gas attack from the bank manager and security guards, which I soon realized was them snorting with suppressed laughter.  I was ready to hold my breath the rest of my visit.  I didn’t feel so bad after that.  Whatever brightens someone else’s day just as long as they don’t laugh so hard they fart.

6. What are the first two sentences of the last paragraph on page 117 of your most recent novel?

OMG, you’re gonna make me WORK for this??!!!  I’m not Powder, you know.

7. A ghostly presence wafts into the room when you are busy writing. How do you handle this unwelcome interruption?

Offer them a snack and let them know I’ll start dinner when I finish this chapter.  Then, open the drapes and roast all the crap out of them with the bright sunlight.  That’ll learn ‘em.

8. Two scoops of ice cream, 20 smokes in a pack of cigarettes, 12 items in a dozen. Coincidence or connected? Please explain.

Of course it’s coincidentally connected.  How could you think anything different?  They’re all even numbers and even numbers make me happy.  Except when I go to the store and I get a grand total of $6.66.  I’ll go buy something just to break that but don’t you dare think for a moment that I’m superstitious.  No way, no how.

9. You are running late for an important meeting or appointment. When you reach your vehicle, you discover a goat inside. How do you handle the situation? And what was so important about your meeting?

Open the car door and let the goat run freeee little fella!  FREEDOM!!!  It was probably a doctor’s appointment for one of the kids, but I’ve had these kids for awhile so they can wait a little longer.  The world stops for a goat in the car, you know and Lord, I hope I don’t sit in goat beans.  Goats have no decorum, after all.

10. If Dean Koontz personally called you later today, what would he want to discuss?

Would that be before or after he recovered from having fainted dead away because I’m actually talking to him and then had to put sunglasses on to shield his eyes from the glaring light of my glittering stardom?  True story.

11. A can of corn and a can of peas are out on a date, having a very pleasant time. Something happens to forever alter their relationship. What was it? And what part did you play in the whole incident?

They opened up to each other and shared their innermost secrets. (Sodium…Oh, the HORROR!)  I was driving, of course.  Does anyone realize that canned veggies don’t have opposable thumbs?

12. Duct work, reusable shopping bags, and furniture polish?

Sneezing, grocery shopping and cleaning…We were playing word association right?

12. Do you realize this question is numbered inaccurately? What do you make of that?

Well, now that you pointed that out, I do.  Do you realize you’re stuck on the number 12?  Is that the number of the day?  I mean sure, if you’re gonna make a big deal out of it, I’ll notice and now it’s gonna be stuck in my head like that annoying song from the show, “Lambchop.”  You know the one I’m talking about.  Oh, it’s the song that never ends…

12. This one is too. On an unrelated point, please rate the following adjectives according to how much you like them with 1 being your absolute favorite and 5 being your least favorite, and explain your reasons: crunchy, odiferous, beleaguered, pasty, harmless.

        1. Beleaguered-because it just sounds cool when you say it.

        2. Odiferous-sounds disgusting but really isn’t.

        3. Pasty-matches my skin tone.

        4. Harmless-beware the goat in your car.

        5. Crunchy-carrots are a pretty orange color.

On an unrelated, relative topic, does anyone realize how smelly goats are and that the upholstery in my car is now ruined??!!

12. What is a line of dialogue from one of your books that you particularly like?

All of ‘em because I’m a brilliant conversationalist and when I’m on both sides of the conversation, it’s even better.  It’s a little slice of literary heaven.

AND you want a short bio??!! (Yes, we do.) Good God, you guys want to know MORE about me?  (Please. Don't make us beg; it's unseemly) Okay, fine then.  Here goes. 

Author Bio: My husband has longish brown hair and pretty hazel eyes.  Ooohhhh, wait.  That had nothing to do with me, did it?  You two can blame yourselves for this bio because you really got me onto having to think about the least related answer while tying it all together.  Heaven’s to Betsy, do you know what you’ve done?  On the upside, I’ve never laughed so hard putting a bio together and haven’t had so much fun with an interview…Ever.

Should I get more serious now?  Nah!  Here’s the 411 on the Head Wingnut in Charge…Or at least I am in my head.  I’m an awesome writer and I buy in bulk whenever possible because the dozens of kids that I have eat a LOT!  Okay, so that was a bit of an exaggeration but they seem like dozens when they all get going.  Can I get an “Amen?”  And why does it seem like all of them like to get an ornery attitude at the exact same time?  Do they synchronize their watches and plan this stuff ahead of time?  One of my favorite colors is that orangey yellow of the school bus even though it’s a horrible eye sore.

Okay, now that you all know I’m a writer with a husband and children, I could let you know that I like to drink Guinness stout and I got mad when they took the widget out of the bottle.  You know, that little plastic thingy that made noise when you were getting the stuff that looks like coffee grounds (Mmmm…coffee) out of the bottom of your beer bottle.  I think people decided that the widget took up too much space that could’ve been better used for more beer.  Not that I don’t understand, I guess I just like crunchy beer or something like that.  I like to chew that last swallow of my stout.  I’m going to stop this bio before it gets any more idiotic.

Sins of the Father by RJ Palmer:

A minister losing touch with his faith…

A severely autistic child with no past, no present and no real future…

An evil older than time itself…

When the boy Lucian is thrown into Aaron’s life with nowhere else to go all hell breaks loose and Aaron confronts things he never actually imagined could really exist in an effort to save one small, tortured child.