Please welcome talented
author, Tyr Kieran, to the hot seat of
journalistic and interrogatory imprudence.
1. Of all the stories you’ve written, which one does Chuck Norris like the best?
None of them, because Chuck Norris doesn’t like stories... they like him! Stories clamor and maim each other for a chance to touch Chuck Norris’s brain.
2. Two lukewarm biscuits, a haughty society matron, and some damaged nylon netting?
Sounds like my typical Hair of the Dog party post Saint Patrick’s Day. After a long night of drinking, nothing affirms reformation than warm biscuits and guilt inducing reprimands. On most occasions, the haughty, yet supple, matron ends up wearing the roughed up nylons… most occasions.
3. Obviously the following phrase is an obscure, indirect reference to something deeper. Help the audience understand the real significance of this statement: It would be better to research Romanian trowel manufacturers than deal with the expired food in my fridge. (be specific please)
The true meaning of this wise admonition will vary depending on your station in life. For example, should you happen to be a worker at the Romanian Trowel & Spade Company, the message would imply that it’s virtuous to have great dedication to your job even in the face of poisoning your children from neglect. On the other hand, if you are a Mycologist, then it reminds you to give your experiments enough time to bloom. Don’t rush results or that new batch of penicillin could induce the zombie apocalypse. But, in this case, I think this piece of advice is clearly meant to convey that you shouldn’t herd your snake eggs through the same porthole until you know for certain that it won’t snow in the morning. Now that’s a rule to live by!
4. According to your bio, you have a “festering imagination”. What treatments have you sought for this condition? Cold compresses? Antibiotics? My cousin Junior’s homemade horseradish poultice? Have any of these therapies worked?
The verdict is still out on the Horseradish Poultice, because Junior accidentally smeared the last one with yak’s milk infused plaster. By the time we realized the mistake it took an hour of soaking my head in turpentine to tear it free. Unfortunately, not all the hair is growing back the way it should, in fact it’s not hair that’s growing in... at least the horns look symmetrical. I ditched the other remedies after that. I think it’s a sign that the festering is beyond the point of regression. We’re probably going to have to amputate.
5. How often do you provoke Stephen King and why do you find it necessary to annoy him? Are you able to outrun him? How does he respond to this inexplicable behavior on your part? (He personally ignores us, not that it matters because this interview is about you. Not us.)
I’m not familiar with this King author you mention. Now, Richard Bachman is a man worth provoking. I mean he hasn’t written a new book since 2007 and 1996 before that—the man clearly needs a wakeup call.
6. A lot of people simply don’t
realize just how much I appreciate my calculator. Your thoughts?
Admit it, the true reason you love your calculator so much is because it makes you laugh, like what it says when you type the number 5318008 and turn it around.
7. If my Aunt Grace, a stickler for grammar and lover of red pencils, were to evaluate your current work-in-progress, what would she say about the general indiscriminate use of semi-colons in today’s society?
I’d recommend your Aunt Grace toss back some red bull and gnaw on a protein bar, because she’s gonna need her energy. My current work-in-progress is still in the rough draft stage. If she wants to tackle that, God bless her.
As for the overall use of semi-colons in today’s world, I’d be more interested in Sigmund Freud’s thoughts. That guy will turn anything into some twisted sexual psychosis and I can only guess at his analysis of the dangling comma at the bottom of the semi-colon…
8. When you sit down to write, where is my cat?
I don’t really care, just keep him/her away from me! I’m allergic and cats know it. Every time I’m near one, they come to me with their dander guns blazing! The sadistic felines sense my weakness and pounce with demented affection and maniacal purring. I know it’s false love. You just enjoy watching me suffer! Don’t you? DON’T YOU? (Should I consult a lawyer before answering that question? -K)
9. Do you really think it was proper to offer your neighbor’s Barry Manilow posters in your last garage sale? Go ahead, defend your actions. More importantly, how much were you paid for them? Who bought them?
Actually, they were twelve Barry Manilow “Must Die” posters—propaganda for a cause that’s been kept from main stream media. He’s an alien-nazi-ninja-spy-zombie working for our government. He’s hypnotizing you all with subliminal messages in his music to keep the truth from you! If this is not a shocking revelation to you, look out, they’re probably monitoring your behavior and conversations already.
Oh, and my Mel Gibson looking neighbor, Jerry Fletcher, bought them back for 8₵ each, doubling my retirement fund.
10. Let’s say you’ve decided to cross the dark-horror genre with light-hearted romance. What would the title of your book be? Give us a short blurb.
Hmm. Take a stab at the romance genre? Okay. How about a heart warming tale called Double Death… sorry, I meant Double Love where twin women chase the same man to rip out his heart… excuse me, to win over his heart by posing as tour guides during his vacation. When he falls for both of them and the competition heats up, the twins…
Aw, Hell. Who am I kidding, I’m not cut out for light-hearted romance stuff.
The twins go psycho and split the man in two so they each get to have him. The End. Everyone’s happy, right?
11. If my unemployed cousin, Roy-Roy (who has an aversion to deodorant & enjoys pointless staring contests) shows up to visit you, will you help him shave his feet? Why or why not?
If Frodo can get past all my Goonies-style boobie traps I’ll give him the entire spa treatment, staring contest victory or no.
12. You are on your way to an important appointment when you notice a flamingo rifling through the glove compartment of your vehicle. Keep in mind that flamingoes can be temperamental. How will you handle this inconvenience? And what was so important about your appointment?
I had stopped for gas, grabbed a Snickers bar, and was returning to my car when I saw her. First off, I’m surprised and equally impressed that she found a way to pick my door lock. I realize she’s simply looking for her lost croquette ball, so I look around and find it nestled up to the back tire. With ball under foot, I grab the bird’s ankles and hammer the green ball back in play. Game on!
My appointment? Oh, yeah. That made me late to my shock therapy session, stupid bird.
12. Do you realize this question is numbered inaccurately? What do you make of that?
It is? I wouldn’t know. I was born with an acuity disease that skews my ability to perceive numbers. Every number looks like 666 to me no matter how many digits. It’s a real pain in the ass when dialing phone numbers and brushing up on my arithmetic.
12. There is a green semi-translucent object next to my microwave oven. What is it? Why do you care where I keep it? Is the location really important to you, or are you merely feigning an interest to be polite?
I can only assume you are being pestered by a focused, non-terminal repeating phantasm, or a Class 5 full roaming vapor, and a real nasty one too. He’s camped out in your kitchen to fulfill his gigantic appetite by sliming his way through your microwave and fridge for some snacks. I’ll bring over a portable containment unit for the temporary storage; just don't look directly into the trap! (An excellent guess and much more exciting than the truth. It’s actually a glass jar. -K)
12. In spite of the semi-colon issue, I think I can convince my aunt to let you paint her spare room for free. What color will you use and why? (she’s allergic to chartreuse, so don’t pick that one.)
Assuming your Aunt is still hopped up on caffeine, she might want a more soothing color to level her out. But, since she marked up my WIP so much it looks like Carrie on prom night, I’m going to paint the room Satan Red and install chartreuse strobe lights that point across the room at tactically placed mirror fragments. She’ll be institutionalized within the week. Sorry. Revenge is a hobby of mine. (Other than the chartreuse lights, I think you just described my aunt’s dream room. -K)
Tyr Kieran – \Tie-er Keer-awn\ is an author from the greater Philadelphia area.
Influenced as a child by classic horror icons like Vincent Price, Edgar Allen Poe, and Alfred Hitchcock, Tyr crafts tales of terror and suspense. He’s a proud member of The Pen Of The Damned, who offer free horror tales every week online. Tyr also offers free weekly content with his Interactive Fiction Project where you can read a novel as it’s written and interact with him and fellow readers before the next segment is even conceived. To learn more about Tyr Kieran and to read his work, please visit http://www.tyrkieran.com.
Tyr’s first ebook, a horror short titled Getting Better, has received excellent reviews. It’s a $0.99 psychological thriller about a mental patient and his first group therapy session—a tale you’re likely not to forget: http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Better-ebook/dp/B008A6OYEO.
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