It seems authors often get asked the same questions from one interview to the next. Not always, but a lot. It was time, I decided, for a new approach. So, this interview is designed to break out of the mold. On each of these questions, there is simply no right answer. Let’s see just how creative these creative minds are! It’s all in fun, of course. -Karen

Today we welcome author, Vonda Norwood, to the inquisitor’s chamber.

1. Ten ninjas, a calculator, and a potted plant?
Aaah!  Calculator?  What the.. those things hate me!!! I'm gonna stick it in the plant here and see how well it gets along with the shrub!!! Ninjas, huh... They all men ninjas under all that material? How I'm suppose to enjoy their movements if I don't know? SOMEBODY CHECK UNDER THEIR MATERIAL...   I can't work like this!!! :-/

2. Officer Knowsbetter is a big handsome character you created in The Door on the Left. Does he get along with Chuck Norris? Have they ever fought? If so, what about?
Yea well, it was one of those things...
Alison heard all about the lawman named Norris and she bet he didn't like speeders on his interstate anymore than the Colorado State Troopers.  So she revved up the ol' Subaru off and on every
Texas interstate that she could find, til it happened... There he was, Chuck Norris and his mighty cruiser, flashing red and blue lights and even honkin'.. ta git her to pull over, but she was havin too much fun and hopin' the longer he had to chase her, the more questions he might INSIST she'd have ta answer...  Finally, she pulled over and joyfully hopped out of her Subaru, Norris rushed from his cruiser, the two about 20 feet from reaching each other when along came speeding up from behind Alison, no flashing lights, but traveling-determinedly-fast-passing her quickly, slamming on the breaks and parked like a wall between Norris and Alison Wills.  Out climbed the big man with the beautifully-well-trimmed mustache and his medium-size, upside-down, side-by-side-watermelon, butt cheeks.  Knowsbetter and Norris, face to face standing a foot apart, Norris looked at the ground realizing.. Alison was in Colorado territory and out respect for the badge - both men tipped their hats to each other, Norris said to Alison, "Catcha another time." and calmly walked to his cruiser.  Alison giggled and replied, "Alrighty".  Knowsbetter, with his expressionless-expression, walked Alison to the back seat of his cruiser INSISTING, "I've got some questions for you".  Alison replied, "You aint gettin' nothin' out a me coper!!!"

3. What is the real significance of the following phrase? Antonio asked for radishes with his barley soup. (be specific please)
Everyone knows when a man ask a question like that it means he got himself a bunny hidin' between his knees.  Ya know what I'm sayin'...

4. What happened to Norwood Vonda? I haven’t seen him for awhile. What did you do with him???
Um,.. did he ever tell you what his password was? LOLOLOLOLOL

5. Does my Great-Aunt Grace approve of your books? She’s kind of prudish. What did she say?
Uh, hello? I can't tell ya what she said! I aint breakin' no reader ta writer confidences!!!  Buuut...  I'll tell ya this - in the privacy of one's own bedroom, “prudish”, aint got no meaning ta any of my Lady readers ;-D

6. What’s the fourth sentence on page 24 of your novel? If it’s really short, please include the next sentence as well.
Omg... 4th sentence on page 24... The fourth sentence? On page 24? Um, page 24... Wait! Ok, um... Hm... Think I'll check my “It's Igloo Time Baby” shorty story, cuz that sentence just might be very Wait, page what? 24? DANG IT! That story aint got no page 2.., oh wait, page 4...sentence 24... THERE ARE TOO MANY 4s in your question here!!! Wait, page 24 it says.  Right?   Dang it!  No worries!!!  I'll re-read the freakin question!!!  Yea page 24.. Ok.  I'll check “Indie Authors Make Better Lovers” No, not
Indies... It'll only be an obnoxious sentence. You're looking for obscene, right?.. Ok, I'll check “The Door On The Left”, maybe I can find ya somethin' obscene.   I don't know why you want obscene, but I'LL DO MY BEST FOR YA... Ahaha LOLOLOLOLOL (This is too funny) I found ya something obscene on page 24, the 4th sentence: “While the roughness of his chin, rubbing against the inside of my crevice strengthened my pleasure sensors to seemingly no end, the sounds of his moans joining my cries brought us both to a moment where we forgot there was ever a conflict between us...” :-D Seems they were havin' themselves a “moment”!!! heehee

7. Is it true you were born in a mountainous wilderness outside a stone palace on a cold November night while a warlock hovered overhead in a gray cloud bank? If not, why is it not true?
Where'd you hear that?..   My momma tell ya that?  And she said she was unconscious during my delivery! Ya know, that would explain why it is that I was born with coal black hair.. that fell out 3 days later.. only to grow back in snow-white AND by the time I was 7 months old - I was a red head!!! THAT'S RIGHT!!! This story here's gotta be a FACT!!! Thank you Ladies! Now I know the freakin truth!!!

8. Do you prefer lime green, hunter green, mint green, or John Deere green? Explain your reasoning and how this concept is intricately related to your writing.
John.  Always, John Deere green.  My writings?  Does it effect my...  Now, you don't think it's REALLY Billy-Bob climbing that freakin ladder and leavin those love notes for Charlene.  Do ya?  Everyone knows Billy-Bob's afraid of heights!!! Of course it effects my writings!!!  AND my freakin hands!!!  That stuff don't wash off!  Ya know!  :-/  Effect my writing....

9. What is sexier, a Santa Cruz acoustic guitar or a detailed book on finance written by Gene Simmons of KISS? Why?
Been to
Santa Cruz...  I didn't see no sexy men guitars though.  I tried to image myself, alone with the guitar man, but never has I seen me no Santa Cruz accoustical types and since he aint poppin up in my imagination, he can't be no for real kind of man, so I'm gonna have ta choose killin' Gene Simmons for tryin to cheat on his wife with me.  Life is a hard one when ya try to romance on the wrong hwy.  Ya know?

10. You are editing your newest book when the Wicked Witch of the East bursts in through the window and begins to give you unwanted writing advice. How do you handle this unwelcome interruption?
I will pounce on that wicked thing fast as fast can be and I tie her ugly-icky body to the chair beside me while shouting, “Seriously now... comma or no comma? Stop squirming! You aint goin' nowheres!!! (I need mees all the helps I can capture) :-D

11. When my unemployed cousin Junior (who has a morbid fear of toothpicks & shaves his feet on a daily basis) shows up to visit you, how will you welcome him? Can you teach him to sew?
It's against my religion to answer these kinds of questions.

12. A colon, a semi-colon, and a dash get into a fight. Who will win and why?
Aint gonna be no fight here! That dash gonna run from the attackin' ass's semi and full!!! Wouldn't you? :-/

12. Do you realize this question is numbered inaccurately? What do you make of that?
I don't understand... The question did what? I don't make em.. I just force em onto the peoples. :-D

12. What’s that in the corner of my room? More importantly, is it dangerous?
Na... That's just Trooper Knowsbetter. He be waitin ta ask ya a few questions. Go ahead, deny everything... :-D

Author Bio:

I love to write in 1st person! I have autobiographically written two fictional comedies. Put my own personality into both and had a blast!!! Hope you get a good laugh.
I am a woman who loves comedy and all things sexy... I write romantic comedies, 1 Erotica series and 1 shorty Explicit Erotica story.

The Door On The Left

Book one of the series titled Alison's Diary. Book two, A Girl's Best Friend, is due out before mid-October.

Alison Wills just wants Trooper David Knowsbetter's body. Knowsbetter wants his question answered. The explicit-erotic battle between Wills and Knowsbetter begins behind The Door On The Left and aint nothin held back. :-D

Purchase link here